Ode to SMUT…

Going through some of my old files… I came across this gem. Let’s take a trip down memory lane, shall we?




Ode to SMUT 
(Scandalous Mayhem Under Tinseltow)
This scene was written for The S.M.U.T. Show, performed December 2007 – March 2008 at Comix Comedy Club.
Copyright:Andrea Bertola. All Rights Reserved.
Characters: NICOLE RITCHIE, PARIS HILTON, LINDSEY LOHAN, BRITNEY SPEARS AND JESSICA SIMPSON.

Lights up on five hollywood socialites spread across the stage. Each one of them has a tabloid magazine open infront of her face. They each have an oversized purse filled with the “props” needed for this scene.

NICOLE
(Brings magazine down, reveals face)
Red carpet
BRITNEY
(Brings magazine down, reveals face)
Or in magazines
PARIS
(Brings magazine down, reveals face)
We are Hollywood’s beauty queens.
JESSICA
(Brings magazine down, reveals face)
You say our looks are all we’ve got?
LINDSEY
(Brings magazine down, reveals face)
We don’t care because…
PARIS
(Toss magazines aside)
“That’s hot”!
NICOLE
We’re socialites, we live the dream.
LINDSEY
The trends we set become mainstream.
PARIS
From Uggs to Juicy,
BRITNEY
Pinkberry too!
JESSICA
We start the trends we see on YOU.
NICOLE
From Boho chic 
BRITNEY
To trucker hats
LINDSEY
High heels one minute; the next its flats.
 PARIS
Jimmy Choos
NICOLE
(Points to her shirt)
And vintage tees
JESSICA
Sushi for lunch!
ALL
NEVER Chinese.
PARIS
(Show dog in purse)
Small dogs we carry in a purse.
NICOLE
A baby bump is not a curse!
LINDSAY
Blond, brunette, then Blond again–
JESSICA
–Our hair dresser is our best friend.
 Hair extensions down to our waist–
BRITNEY
–Fake hair’s a trend we must embrace!
All pull out various phones, text or talk into phone over next section.

LINDSAY
We use Blackberry’s or the iphone
JESSICA
“Girls Wanna Have Fun” as our ringtone!
PARIS
(on blackberry)
We text all day, and text all night—
BRITNEY
“Real” conversations just don’t feel right.
NICOLE
 For gossip we love TMZ!
PARIS
I only read the stories ’bout me.
JESSICA
We go on myspace, stalk our dates.
Why is SHE on HIS Top 8?!
LINDSEY
(Walks over to RAPPER GUYS, flirty)
Bed-hopping, boyfriend-swapping you can trade with me.
(RAPPERS do a “take”)
BRITNEY
(Pointing to guys in audience)
I fucked him once, 
LINDSEY
I’ll fuck him twice.
PARIS
“What’s an STD?”
(They all shrug)
Pause.
NICOLE
We give great head with one demand–
JESSICA
You know your wish is our command.
BRITNEY
Make sure you film us,
PARIS
Blackmail the tape.
 A sex-tape scandal, we can’t escape!
NICOLE
(indicate Paris)
One night in Paris, you want a piece?
PARIS
(TO Nicole)
When you bed us, sign a release…
(They all pull a “release” from behind their backs. Hold out to the audience)
BRITNEY
We meet our men at the nightclub.
LINDSEY
We only go where we can snub.
PARIS
Bottle service and V-I-P
All
(Pointedly)
No, you cant sit down with me!
NICOLE
So whateves, I’m such a bitch
I don’t care, I’m filthy rich
LINDSEY
O-m-g. I’m such a snob
But that chick needs a good nose job.
PARIS & NICOLE
(indicate Britney)
Fix her cankles and muffin top
JESSICA
 (To both)
Call her doctor, “Chop, chop, chop”.
PARIS & NICOLE
(To eachother)
Cat fights with our frienemies
 We declare on message tees.
BRITNEY
Team Aniston
LINDSAY
vs. Team Jolie
NICOLE
Or team Nicole
PARIS
vs. Team Pariee.
BRITNEY
(Puts on huge sunglasses)
To escape the drama we run away
JESSICA
(Puts on huge sunglasses)
Save it for another day.
PARIS
(Puts on huge sunglasses)
To the spa
NICOLE
(Puts on huge sunglasses)
Or to the beach
LINDSEY
 (Puts on huge sunglasses)
Anywhere we can’t be reached.
BRITNEY
When we fly its just first class
PARIS (or skinniest girl cast)
Big seats are needed for a little ass.
LINDSEY
We’ll travel far for a weekend trip
JESSICA
We only go if the place is hip.
BRITNEY
Maui!
NICOLE
Ibiza!
PARIS
 St.Tropez!
LINDSAY
South beach, Miami is kind of gay.
JESSICA
Paris for shopping, but The French are creeps.
All
(To pump up a NYC Audience)
We love New York, the City never sleeps!!!!
(Applause, hoots, hollers!)
 PARIS
(All take off sunglasses)
At trendy restaurants we see and be seen
 NICOLE
Eat dinner? No way, I’ll have a saltine.
LINDSAY
Koi, the Ivy or Mr. Chow.
BRITNEY
The Olive Garden?
PARIS
EW, lowbrow!
NICOLE
Our figures resemble preteens’
We wear size zero, skinny jeans
JESSICA
Diet fads, or the master cleanse
BRITNEY
It makes us shit, so we wear ‘Depends’!
(Lifts skirt to reveal Depends)
LINDSAY
We live on coffee from Mr. Bean.
Red bull addicts,
ALL
(A bit crazed))
Need more caffeine!
BRITNEY
A Starbucks run for a photo opt.
NICOLE
We flick off cameras and tell them…
ALL
(Bitchy, half-assed)
“Stop”.
PARIS
(posing)
Oh paparazzi, we love you–
JESSICA
(sarcastic, indicating Paris)
–But posing is just so taboo.
LINDSAY
When we get a d-u-i
The public is our alibi.
NICOLE
And when we have our day in court–
PARIS
–We know we’ll have our fans support.
BRITNEY
We make headlines at any price.
LINDSAY
The tabloids are our main device.
JESSICA
(Over enthusiastic) 
We love the attention, we live for fame!!!
NICOLE
Gossip is the name of the game.
LINDSAY
So say we’re a hoe.
BRITNEY
Call us a slut.
 All
Just keep buying your Celebrity Smut.
BLACKOUT
Sound cue: “Beverly Hills”, Weezer.

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